Phagophobia (My story)

‘I wish I could eat together with my family without feeling terrified over that someone might suffocate to death at any moment, including myself.’

When I were a kid I had a horrible experience. I suffocated on pasta. Luckily my dad were able to save me. After that I weren’t able to eat pasta for a long time, and after half a year it went over to other kinds of food. In the end I lived on yogurt and other drinkable things.

I wanted to eat, I wished I could swallow, I wished that I could go out and eat with my friends. My parents got me to try and eat something almost everyday,  and everyday the result was the same. I put it in my mouth, I started to chew and everything was fine. Then when I were about to swallow it felt like my throat closed down and I could barely breath. So I continued to chew and chew until I eventually spit it out. At that point the food was almost as fluent as water.

People didn’t understand why I didn’t eat. I tried to explain that something was wrong with my throat but the doctors said nothing was wrong with it. My dad even asked when we went to the dentist if I had started to get my wisdom teeth and if that could be the problem. They hadn’t started to grow out yet.

At times people told me to stop being so ridiculous and just eat the food, which made it all just worse. I stopped trying to eat because every time I failed it felt like I was disappointing everyone, and myself. I told my parents that I tried food in school and in school I told them that I tried to eat at home. I just couldn’t try to eat something and fail all the time, because it made me more and more depressed.

If my friend’s parents asked me if I wanted to eat with them when I visited then I just said that I had already eaten before I came or that I would eat when I came home. I just couldn’t explain the situation to them. I always watched my friends eat, wishing that I also could join them and at the same time being afraid that they might suffocate at any moment.

At one time our class went to a cinema to watch a movie about how the digestive system worked. It felt like I were about to puke when she started to chew on the tomato and then swallowed it. I ran out of the cinema when the scene where the tomato started to go down her throat and into her stomach came up.

It wasn’t the only time I had to leave because of a scene in a movie. It happened every time we watched a movie I had never seen before where they at some point sat down and ate. Sometimes I even asked if someone would suffocate in the movie just to be sure, but even when the teacher said that it didn’t happen in that movie I still couldn’t stay through those scenes.

I lost a lot of weight during one and a half year when my phagophobia was at its worst. Then came the night. I asked my parents if I could stay up late to finish watching the star wars movie that went on tv, it would end after midnight and I were eleven or twelve years old. They said it was okay and then they went to bed. I knew that there was chips and other snacks in the kitchen, and I hadn’t eaten those things for so long. I hadn’t even tried to eat anything like that for so long. I just wanted to taste.

So I went into the kitchen, I was not afraid since I didn’t even think I would try to swallow it. I would just chew a bit on a chip and then I would spit it out. I had no plans on swallowing it because I knew that it wouldn’t work any way. But as I chewed it tasted really yummy and after a little while I actually swallowed it without any problem. I took another on and another one and I couldn’t believe how easy it was to swallow. I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life for something everyone else takes for granted.

It took me some time before I were able to eat food again. I think it took me half a year from that I ate my first chip until I could eat almost everything I usually ate. Pasta took much longer though. The same for apples, carrots and candy that was hard to chew.

But it didn’t matter that I couldn’t eat everything, because I could eat some things at least. I fast gained all the weight I had lost during those years without food, and soon I even gained more. I became over weight and once again went into depression. I ate too much food because I hadn’t eaten in so long, I didn’t know what was too much and I couldn’t stop myself. No one told me that after you get over an eating disorder it’s very easy to start and eat too much instead.

It was first when I got  into high school that I started to eat properly and went down some kilos. The support I got from my new and old friends helped me reach my dream weight during the three years I went in high school. But it was a bit more than that that made me reach my goal. My phagophobia has come back around once or twice every year, between two and four weeks every time. It has never been as bad as it was the first time, but it has still been pretty bad.

Last time was just some month’s ago when it stayed for around four or five weeks. I didn’t even dare to tell my parents about it because I didn’t want to worry them, so every time they made the food and I couldn’t eat it, then I just threw it away when they couldn’t see. I went down some kilos during that period, but once I were able to start eating again I went up those kilos pretty fast.

I will always be afraid that my phagophobia will come back, and I will probably get relapses many more times in my life. I will probably always be afraid of watching people eating, but I will still try and go out with my friends to eat and have a fun time. Me and many others will fight this phobia for probably the rest of our lives. I don’t know how I got over it the first time. I never went to a psychologist since my parents never sent me to one, and I didn’t speak with my friends about it. I have no idea how I made it through as a kid, but I know that every time I have fallen back into phagophobia when I became older it has been my friends that has helped me out of it.

I don’t tell everyone about it, I don’t tell my family about it. But I rely on my closest friends and I know that they are there for me when I need them. They help me to get through my hard times, just like I try to help them get through theirs. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them.

What I want to say with this post is that you can make it through those hard times, even though it seems like you won’t ever get rid of that stupid phobia that holds you down every day, there are ways to get rid of it. For some it might be enough with a friend, for others it’s the family and others might need a good psychologist. There is always a way.

(Phagophobia both means the fear of swallowing and the fear of being swallowed, it has nothing to do with the fear of eating together with others but are often a consequence of the fear of swallowing.)


Just another day


I haven’t written here for almost a month so I thought it was time that I tried to write something xD

I shall soon get my ass off this sofa and get to the bus to meet a friend of mine in Trosa. I always tend to forget my camera when I’m going out with friends, but NOT today. I have put it down in my bag together with my wallet so the only way to forget it now is if I forget my bag, but then I won’t be able to get to Trosa so I would be kind of screwed if I forgot the bag xD

So what have I been doing the last month? Mostly nothing, slept a lot. Watched a lot of vampire series x3 And I got so angry when I came to the end of vampire diaries, because now I have to wait until October before I get to see what happens next o.O

Also I have noticed that my phagophobia (Fear of swallowing) has come back a bit xb I don’t think I have written anything about it before… Anyway, I have had phagophobia since I was 10-11 and it comes and goes a bit. Right now I have trouble swallowing rise. Luckily we don’t eat rise much in our family xD

Well, I can tell you more about phagophobia later, now I’m going to get ready to get going to Trosa. Bye

Am bored in school so write some random shit that I come to think about totally randomly!

Wow I get on wordpress after less than 20 hours away and I have 14 spam messages in my comments. xb It’s a bit irritating!

I am in school at the moment and are waiting for a dinner for us seniors to start, it will start in one hour and thirty minutes. I would like to write a discussion about UFOs or why you shouldn’t have your parents on facebook or why Sweden are the best and worst country ever xD I have had so much freetime today so I have thought about millions of things that I want to write about xD BUT, I don’t have a program on the school computer that corrects my English writing and I’m from Sweden and I actually suck at English xD hahahah

You have probably noticed that even though I have had a correction programe x) I will give you a funny, a bit sarcastic, a bit mean, a bit worthless post tomorrow about how our society is a mess ^^ But right now I am going to be selfish and only talk about me because I don’t need a wordcorrection program to do that x) hehehhe

Today I shall tell you a little secret about me ^^ I am an genderless alien. Either that or I am Canada… Which I noticed today xD
It was so funny, me and my friend were going outside and suddenly a telephone seller came up to us and started to talk with us about such a good deal for a phone. So we came with him and listened for a while and he only looked at my friend and only seemed to talk to my friend even though he started to talk with both of us from the beginning xD Then my friend said no and he didn’t even seem to notice me even though I had said no if I had had the chance to do so xD And even though my friend had said no that salle person took up the phone and said “hold it, it’s not bigger than this” and then continued, then he wanted to see the ID even though my friend already had said no. But he got to see the ID and he checked on the computer and said “yeah this looks good” and so on. “So do you want it?” He asked then and my friend just “no, I already have a new phone” which he already had said a couple of times xD Then he didn’t even ask me for ID or if I wanted it and I just “o.O I AM CANADA :o” xD But I have known that all my life, people don’t notice me that often xD And sometimes it can be good, especially in this kind of situations xD hahah

I really hate these school computers because the screen is so big so I don’t know how big paragraphs I can write without it being enormous on my computer at home, or how small I can write without it only being two small sentences at the one at home. xD Hmm… I have over one hour and ten twenty minutes left to the dinner Dx What should I write, what should I write?

Okay here comes a nine point list of things that you probably don’t know about me! Or probably know about me xD

1. I have lived with phagophobia since I were eleven. (fear of Swallowing) (Can also be fear of being eaten alive but I don’t have that)
2. I love shounen-ai, also called yaoi. (I KNOW THAT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ABOUT ME, BUT I LIKE SAYING IT xD)
3. I am a bit addicted to coke.
4. I have played “anybody” in the musical westside story.
5. I had a period in my life when I were obsessed with ghosts, UFOs, aliens and other paranormal stuff so the interest in it still pops up sometimes now and then.
6. I don’t really believe that love excists, I believe that it is just a feeling that humans have created themselves. (Hate is also a self created feeling) (will probably write a post about it sometime)
7. I don’t believe in a God but I do believe in a kind of nature spirit, it hasn’t created the earth it just got created with the earth and when we die we kind of returns to the nature. (It’s a bit hard to explain in short so I will probably make a big post about it one day)
8. I am writing a book in Swedish with the first chapter out on the internet (but I will change the first chapter now because I have decided that my character shall be a bit different than I wanted her to be from the beginning)
9. I believe that all humans are born equal and then they become better or worse than others depending on their actions in life! (I will probably write a big post about this too in the future)

Now I shall end this post with telling you another thing that happened a while ago.

When I and my mom and dad were going to a wedding then my mom said that I should have a dress, but I don’t feel comfortable with wearing a dress so I said that I will have a nice shirt and black jeans. And she told me a lot of times that I should have  a dress because I’m a girl. WTF? I don’t like dresses and I feel more like a guy than a girl, I don’t feel comfortable at all in dresses and there she is trying to put me in a dress. But in the end I got to have “guy clothes” if that really excists. (this was a year ago)
Then a while ago when my parents were away for the weekend and I were alone at home my mom decided to buy me a white dress to my graduation… … W.H.Y? For the first, I don’t feel comfortable in dresses so I weren’t going to wear one to begin with, for the second I HATE WHITE. Not because I can’t wear white now and then but I hate that you see right threw white clothes and the underwear doesn’t become completely invinsible wichever color you have on them. She is my mom and she should know a bit what I like to wear after all these years. Especially when I haven’t changed my style since 9th grade. Sure, it is a tradition for girls to wear white dresses in Sweden on their graduation day BUT it was a tradition for women to stand in the kitchen for hundred of years too and not have any job 😀 That has changed xD Okay maybe not the same thing BUT everyone doesn’t follow traditions, one person in my class are going to wear black and another one pink. If I would follow traditions then I would have gotten drunk on my 18th birthday party and on graduation, but I don’t because I am a non-drinker. And for me that is the same thing, I am a non-wearing-dresses too xD For me it would be as for a guy if he were forced to have a dress, it would just be embarrasing for me. I don’t care if I am a girl, I don’t feel okay with wearing dresses. So I won’t have that dress that my mom bought me.